Don’t ever let someone hurt you if you can avoid it.
If you're not yet motivated to take care of yourself, (yes, I said "take care of yourself," not "protect yourself"), do it for their sake.
You don't help people when you let them hurt you. And you want to help others, don't you?
When you let a friend take advantage of you, you're damaging your relationship. What kind of a friend does that?
You don't want to continue that way of interacting, manipulating and pressuring people to get what you want. You want to opt-out of that pattern instead of pouting-out. You want to interact in a more satisfying way. Isn't that why you're here?
What to do?
Develop an exit strategy for Boundary Moments, you know, those times when you're about to give yourself away because you've been caught off-guard, or you're being deliberately pressured, or you're afraid of the consequences of not going along — or all of the above.
Here are a few possibilities. Feel free to use them, or write your own:
"Sorry to be abrupt, gotta go. I'll text you."
"I think I have a commitment on that day. I'll check and get back to you."
"Thanks so much for thinking of me. I understand if you need an answer now, but if you do, I have to say, 'No.' If you can wait, I’ll check my calendar and text you within a day or two."
The last script is particularly useful when you're declining an invitation, and the person won't accept your refusal. "If you need to know now" acknowledges what that person is doing, and puts it right back on them. You're very reasonably stating your terms. That’s a win in itself.
Your turn
To get yourself over the intimidation hump, memorize a couple of exit statements and practice them out loud.
Then practice in front of a mirror.
And then, if you dare, enroll a friend to help — someone with whom you're confident you'll never have to use an exit strategy! Ask your friend to press you so you have to improvise.
Get very comfortable getting out of a situation that is uncomfortable for you, without giving yourself — or your time — away. And enjoy how good that feels.
Notice the details of how empowerment feels. Hmmm I feel a heart-write coming on...
I really liked the idea of having several on hand statements that can easily roll off one’s tongue in response to an invitation to give one time to respond. I also liked Emma’s strategy about checking her calendar not only for that particular day, but several days before and after.
I realize how much I’ve said yes to invites that I did enjoy, but I just wanted to be part of the group or felt good being included. I also notice how I would stay too long, when I was ready to leave much earlier. I can’t say how discerning I was at the time and I didn’t give it enough thought. I could not say No without over explaining which really isn’t necessary if I valued myself and my time.
I recently felt pressured by a student who wanted to immediately join my group as a trainee. The student was eager although her long term interests do not align with what we do and she hasn’t taken the required course. I had to tell her ‘not now’ two times before she accepted my answer. She would join when it is right time for me and also for her.
She’s fortunate to have your clarity to guide her. It’s how we can set up our students and mentees to succeed.
I have a somewhat similar experience when people new to my perspective want me to answer their “quick question” in an email. The only reason they think it’s quick is because they don’t know the answer 😂 If I get sucked into trying to answer their not-quick-at-all question in an email, I’m not serving them because there’s no way they would understand my perspective. And then they’d be frustrated or angry.
I impulsively say “yes”. And then overextend myself. The strategy that is working best for me right now is to say, let me look at my schedule and I’ll get back to you. Then, I do actually look at my schedule. Not just for the day, but for the days before and after. And I sit with how it feels to say yes or no. Or maybe a different day….
Just the other day, I needed to decline a kind offer to attend a friend’s family Thanksgiving. It was difficult. And I have fear of repercussions. But I knew I made the right decision. And the fears may just be in my head and not “real”.
I often think of this post when I am considering whether or not to accept an invitation. It gives me “permission” I didn’t receive growing up.
You’re on to something important here: And the fears may just be in my head and not “real”.
Keep refining your understanding.
Fear isn’t in your head. Your mind may make up a story about it, but the fear originated somewhere else.
If you feel a fear, it’s real, even if it’s unwarranted.
Thank you.
I tend to dismiss my fears. “They are all in my head” rather than to feel them and be gentle with them.