Your writing prompt: Coming home...

Your practice blessing: Take refuge in your integrity.

Which is worse, the consequences of honoring your boundaries or the consequences of ignoring them?

When we honor our boundaries, we are supported by our integrity, the power of alignment with Self.

When we don't honor our boundaries, we are over-extended, bleeding our resilience.

You choose.

Life isn't always comfortable. It's up to us to find the peace that lies beyond the agitation, sadness, anger, disgust, whatever surface disturbance is grabbing our attention.

There's a lot to be said for integrity, for relentlessly choosing to remain in alignment with your deepest Self (however you conceptualize that).

Integrity is a hard-won treasure, an on-going support, not a consolation prize.

 

Your writing prompt: Family always...

Your practice blessing: We’re not connected: we’re One.

Abuse is the deal breaker. Place a clear boundary there. If someone is abusing you, that's wrong any way you look at it. Get help. Now.

Abusive is not so clear cut.

Do you get so riled up about how wrong the other person is that you find his/her behavior abusive? You know, the one you love to hate. The frenemy.

Or does someone know your buttons and (you let him/her) push them to manipulate you, confusing drama with love?

Their behavior may or may not be abusive, but yours is the only behavior you can control.

Do you want that person in your life? It's a simple equation: which is more painful, Person In or Person Out? If Person Out is more painful, change your behavior, meaning improve your boundaries (with love and respect), and see what happens.

Some people around you might be waiting for you to carry yourself with more respect. There's only one way to find out.

The willingness to be yourself

Your boundaries improve with self love and acceptance.

If you change your willingness to be yourself by applying yourself to daily spiritual practice — daily, as in every day — you will melt the guilt that binds you, and your behavior will change.

I know the every day part is challenging, and often more so for those who have the most to gain from it, but every day to the boundary-challenged is like water to someone thirsty in a desert: irreplaceable.

We're talking about transformation here, not having an occasional good day. Steady practice is the price of the ticket to freedom from self-loathing. Freedom to be yourself. Freely. With love and respect.

As you experience yourself differently, you will carry yourself differently, and start making different choices. At least some of the time. You'll be motivated to protect the good relationship you're creating with yourself and your life.

Changing your behavior changes everything

If you truly change your behavior, you will not change in a vacuum. The people who have been waiting for you to be yourself will give you a standing ovation.

Some of the people who can no longer manipulate you will grow with you. They didn't particularly want to interact that way; they (like you) were unaware, and you were complicit, you allowed it.

(Perhaps pause to contemplate the difference between taking responsibility and self-blame.)

Others will notice your growth and keep their distance, or exit stage right.

Bullies have a nose for a susceptible mark. They never pick on someone their own size.

Here's the link to view our second live call recording. Remember this recording is only for people in our BETTER BOUNDARIES program.

Please practice along with us in the recording. You'll be happy you did!

Whether you were on the call or listening to the recording, please leave a comment sharing what you took away from the call.

And of course ask any question you have about what was discussed.

Are you walking a little straighter, holding your head a little higher, meeting people's eyes — or deliberately avoiding them — a little more often?

Are you more you?

Or are you holding out for being right? Are you cherishing the grudges instead of reaching for love and freedom?

Are you more interested in watching others do what they do to you One More Time to prove you had their number all along, or are you up for a real relationship, one in which there are at least two points of view, always more to the story, no one is right and no one is wrong?

Where are you still choosing being right over being yourself, a whole person, complete with inconsistencies, looking inside while holding your own, truly available for intimacy with your self, your life, and the world around you?

In the beginning, there was...spiritual practice! And all came to fruition from there.

The foundation of boundary-setting is daily spiritual practice. Is that making sense now? Do you see how very practical spiritual practice is?

Cherishing yourself

Your daily spiritual practice brings nourishment and protection, nourishing your wholeness, wellness, and the virtues you want to grow, and protecting you from the mind's proclivities.

The mind, as in your mind.

Fortunately, we all have one — and they are all troublesome in similar ways — but your mind is the one you get to tend. The only one you get to tend. And only you can tend it.

The mind doubts. That's what it does.

Left unmanaged, that doubt is corrosive to your well-being.

Skepticism supports you

Truly there is a time for skepticism; critical thinking is a necessary skill.

Skepticism is healthy doubt; it protects you from getting snookered by assumptions — yours or the ones someone else is trying to feed you.

Skepticism is not troublesome, freewheeling, rampant doubt. It's deliberate, managed, targeted doubt. And if/when you find enough evidence, you release your skepticism. (And sometimes become an insufferable rabid convert — but that's another conversation.)

The doubt that is troublesome is the doubt you let undermine your self worth, the constant second-guessing and devaluing of your own experience.

You cannot experience your worthiness until you get past that level of thinking. And without experiencing your worthiness, how can you develop skill with boundaries? Why would you bother if you don't think you're worth it?

And the remedy is...

The secret to enacting better boundaries for life is daily spiritual practice. Yes, I've said that before. I wish I could animate those words to make sure I have your attention.

Daily spiritual practice is how you find your way past the relentless second-guessing and devaluing.

You get to choose the spiritual practice — or practices — you enjoy most.

Enjoyment matters because any long term relationship has its ups and downs, and daily spiritual practice is the most intimate long term relationship you'll ever have. There will be days when you're just not in the mood, and you'll lean on your (past) enjoyment to support your commitment to practice today.

Be your own best partner

You have a long term relationship with yourself anyway. Why not choose to make it intimate, enjoyable, and rewarding?

Daily spiritual practice empowers us to set the boundary between clarity and overwhelm; it creates the habit of choosing clarity, of choosing to be present. And present is where the joy is.

Enacting the boundary — creating the discipline — of daily spiritual practice builds self respect and self trust. It's really that simple.

Practice because you want to or practice because you said you would. Or practice because you're afraid of who you'll be if you don't practice. Whatever it takes to show up for yourself.

As a renowned yoga master often said, "Practice, and all is forthcoming."

Good people help others. That value seems to go without saying.

Yet from a spiritual perspective, nothing goes without saying. Everything gets examined.

Spiritual responsibility requires us to open our awareness, question our assumptions, look beyond the surface. Relentlessly.

Consistent self-inquiry is needed especially in values we take for granted, and places we'd rather let be. Ourselves, for example.

Now that you've been heart-writing for a week, let's take another look at helping.

Why you do what you do

Wise ones in many spiritual traditions advise us that our motivations determine the outcome of our actions. If the wise ones are correct, examining our motivations is a critical skill for spiritual maturity. And spiritual maturity is necessary for healthy, compassionate boundaries.

It's said the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The road to hell is not paved with right motivation.

"I was just trying to help" is the most common defensive play outside the NFL. We've all used it to justify our clumsiness. But did it help? (There's that word again.)

What if checking your motivation became as much a part of your day as checking your teeth for food? How would that change your experience of boundaries?

Checking your motivation is not second-guessing yourself. Second-guessing yourself keeps you cycling on the same track. Checking your motivations takes you deeper into self awareness.

Are you a (recovering) helpaholic?

Are you game to take a look? If so, ask yourself the following questions:

• Do you easily feel sorry for people?
• Do you rush to help?
• Do you often say, "It's sad that..." or react with sadness?
• Are you so motivated to help that you don't wait to be asked?
• If someone declines your help, do you assume they don't understand what you're offering, and restate it?
• Are you a little too eager to help, too willing to step out of your life, and into someone else's?
• Is helping a borderline compulsion?
• Do you trespass other's boundaries in the name of helping?

Helping, or self-medication?

If any of those questions rang true — or upset you — please ask yourself, "Am I self-medicating with helping behavior?"

If you are self-medicating, can you possibly be helping? Aren't you imposing your needs on someone else's drama?

Can you really be in touch with someone else's needs when you're not willing to acknowledge your own?

Remember a time when you felt compelled to help. Maybe the last time.

How did you feel?

Was there urgency?

Can you sit with those feelings, hand on your heart if you like, breathe and simply feel your emotion? Maybe heart-write?

Don’t ever let someone hurt you if you can avoid it.

If you're not yet motivated to take care of yourself, (yes, I said "take care of yourself," not "protect yourself"), do it for their sake.

You don't help people when you let them hurt you. And you want to help others, don't you?

When you let a friend take advantage of you, you're damaging your relationship. What kind of a friend does that?

You don't want to continue that way of interacting, manipulating and pressuring people to get what you want. You want to opt-out of that pattern instead of pouting-out. You want to interact in a more satisfying way. Isn't that why you're here?

What to do?

Develop an exit strategy for Boundary Moments, you know, those times when you're about to give yourself away because you've been caught off-guard, or you're being deliberately pressured, or you're afraid of the consequences of not going along — or all of the above.

Here are a few possibilities. Feel free to use them, or write your own:

"Sorry to be abrupt, gotta go. I'll text you."

"I think I have a commitment on that day. I'll check and get back to you."

"Thanks so much for thinking of me. I understand if you need an answer now, but if you do, I have to say, 'No.' If you can wait, I’ll check my calendar and text you within a day or two."

The last script is particularly useful when you're declining an invitation, and the person won't accept your refusal. "If you need to know now" acknowledges what that person is doing, and puts it right back on them. You're very reasonably stating your terms. That’s a win in itself.

Your turn

To get yourself over the intimidation hump, memorize a couple of exit statements and practice them out loud.

Then practice in front of a mirror.

And then, if you dare, enroll a friend to help — someone with whom you're confident you'll never have to use an exit strategy! Ask your friend to press you so you have to improvise.

Get very comfortable getting out of a situation that is uncomfortable for you, without giving yourself — or your time — away. And enjoy how good that feels.

Notice the details of how empowerment feels. Hmmm I feel a heart-write coming on...

It can take your mind a long time to figure out whether there's a threat to your boundaries, or if they've already been breached. And even then you keep second-guessing yourself, don't you?

There's a better way than asking your mind if you're in (perceived) danger.

Start by acknowledging the (perceived) part. You don't need to know for sure, without a doubt, there's an imminent threat to your safety. It's enough to acknowledge a breach might be happening. Let your discomfort be a flag that's red enough to get your attention.

We humans have a way of ignoring what we think we cannot address, so it's understandable how much you've let slip by in the past.

NEWS FLASH! Things have changed.

Now you have tools you can use quickly and easily even in a Sudden Boundary Moment, so there's no need to pretend it's not happening.

You're now empowered to address trespassing. It's official! No certificate necessary.

Learn from your own experience 

Remember a time when your boundaries were crossed, or even threatened. It might have been recent, or it could be a memory from the far distant past that remains unusually vivid.

Start with a relatively mild incident; no need to start with your most intense experience.

No matter how (relatively) mild the experience might have been, you likely don't want to go there again. See if this is a discomfort you'd like to move with. Let your new found love of clarity support you.

Even if it's uncomfortable for a moment, reconnecting with that experience yields information you need. And you might even find some healing while you're there.

Notice the details

Make a word sketch of how and what you felt, listing particulars in no apparent order. Heart-write the sketch if you can. It doesn't have to be a formal heart-write, just take a few minutes hand-to-heart to settle in before writing.

Look for details such as temperature changes — did you get hot or get a chill? Did time speed up or slow down? What emotions did you feel? Did your mind wander or get focused? Did you space out?

Staying grounded and heart-based

Pause as needed to flex your muscles—yes, right now— to return to your body. Place a hand to your chest or observe your breath (or both) as needed to maintain your steady state, and stay out of overwhelm.

Once you're empowered with clarity about the signs, and ways to address trespassing, you can train yourself to intervene and get present when you notice those signs.

Isn't that a boundary you want to maintain for yourself?

Maintaining healthy boundaries is self-care, which is self-love in action. It's what we all need and want you to do.

Do we agree?

Your writing prompt: I help...

Your practice blessing: The door to true power is in the heart.

Mark Twain famously said, "Worrying really works. Nothing I worried about ever happened." How many things have you worried about that never happened?

Despite it's apparent effectiveness (tongue firmly in cheek here), worrying is not a safety plan. On the contrary, worrying is an unsafety plan; it undermines our sense of safety.

What do you worry about? (Pause for list-making.)

Don't have time for an exhaustive list right now? Would it be too, umm, exhausting?

No worries! Jot down one thing, or bring it to mind. Just please don't read one more word without highlighting a worry of yours. That's your first very doable step toward conquering The Worries.

Call to action

Take a minute (or maybe a few) with each worry. Be a problem-solver. Identify actions you might take to mitigate that worry, and when you would take that action.

For example, if you're worried you won't have time to eat dinner, you could put some food aside in advance (when exactly?). Or you could turn your last meeting into a dinner meeting (make that call now).

Once you've jotted down your possible actions and timing next to each worry, you've transformed your worries into choices.

How empowering is that?

Step two

Organize your worry list into two groups. The first group has the items that have actions you could take. Those are the worries where you have some control. Exercise that control.

The second group, the items that don't have actions, are the ones where you have no outer control. You cannot control the situation, but you can address your state. That's what spiritual practice does.

Some days we need more than others, and it makes sense to give ourselves what we need. Isn't that a solid foundation for healthy boundaries?

Pause to evaluate

How does that clarity feel? Do you feel the empowerment?

Prioritizing your state is the first step to improving your boundaries. You cannot hold boundaries if you're not here in the moment. All your power is here in this moment.

Let me repeat: All your power is here in this moment.

Not being present means being disempowered.

Stay out of overwhelm. Stay present in your body.

Breathe.

Repeat.

It's not Mission Impossible.

Although it sometimes feels that way.

It's Mission Redirect.

Fix me, fix me not

Are you a fixer? Do you jump out of yourself to make things better for others? Do you (anxiously) anticipate other people's needs, responding to needs they might not agree they have, ready with a solution in hand, whether or not you've been asked?

Please take a breath, drop inside and consider this: you've likely breached a boundary.

Notice the state you were in before you “helped” another person. I put helped in quotes because often, if you're a helpaholic, the person you’re really trying to help by doing for others is yourself.

And that might not feel so helpful to the other person.

You can't really help someone if you're self-medicating by helping others. Preoccupied with your own anxiety, it’s unlikely you’re giving people what they need, which may well be as simple as someone to listen and see them.

And you're not giving yourself what you need; you're distracting yourself from what you need.

That might give you short term relief but you've missed an opportunity to heal yourself.

Sitting with undigested emotions

All of us walk around with undigested emotions. How do I know that? Because we've all been children.

Even as adults, we aren't always present for our emotions. As children, we simply didn't have the skill to be present with our emotions. And we probably didn't have the modeling.

So the emotions didn't get the attention they needed to dissipate, and even years later, they continue to circulate within, restless and wrecking havoc.

Undigested emotions take over your choices and fritter away your vitality. They don’t have your best interests at heart; they need to be felt and recognized and seen.

Sound familiar?

Supporting yourself and others

Before you offer a word or two of support to someone else, check on your state first, for your own sake as well as the sake of your relationship.

Feel how it feels to be you right now. Be present and mindful. Notice if there’s any agitation and sit with that until it settles.

Of course you can help others, you just want to make sure you’re really helping them. And not just reaching out from your own neediness, to distract yourself from your own pain.

This program is an apt place to start practicing mindful support. Before you leave a comment to support another participant, settle yourself into the present.

Then choose simple words from your heart to let that person know you're here. Don't offer a solution. No one thinks of themselves as a problem to be solved. We all just want to be seen. (Even when it seems a little scary.)

It takes courage to be still and let the present unfold. This is a safe place to give it a try.

Many years ago, I had a friend who was an unlikely Virgo. You don't have to be an astrology buff to know Virgos are known for order.

Except Fred. His room in a shared farmhouse was the messiest space I'd ever seen. Clothes, papers, records were strewn around with no attempt at organization. I would have at least closed the door. His was wide open.

Fred's perspective was: you're either organized inside or you're organized outside.

I didn't see those as mutually exclusive options, but I admired Fred's willingness to be himself. I also noticed he was the steadiest person I knew who wasn't in robes.

Fred's perspective stayed with me, and while I resist drawing facile conclusions, I wonder if neat freaks are fighting off inner overwhelm.

Conversely, I've noticed when I'm inwardly composed, it's a lot easier to keep my surroundings organized, even though it's honestly not that important to me. (I'd rather be practicing or online with you!)

Keeping your priorities straight

Your first and most important boundary is the one that keeps overwhelm at bay.

When you are overwhelmed, you cannot function. You might think you're functioning, but the choices you make are unlikely to be in your best interests. No, you've become an agent of The Enemy. The enemy, as in, overwhelm.

Actions taken out of overwhelm tend to increase the overwhelm. Making a choice trying to manage overwhelm RIGHT NOW without first becoming present in the moment is not an effective solution; it's a temporary fix. And it's a temporary fix that trades overwhelm right now for a bigger mess later.

But you know that, don't you?

Our skill with outer boundaries is directly related to your inner state. Regaining and maintaining a good state is your first priority, so your first boundary has to do with staying out of overwhelm.

Let me put it another way: Take care of your state and your state takes care of everything else.

That's a good question. I'm so glad you asked! First, I have some questions for you...

Why did you choose to participate in BETTER BOUNDARIES?

Was it to dive into your heart, explore and discover your deepest, most authentic self? Or at least the next step in that never-ending series of discoveries?

Does anything clamp down on authenticity faster than fear of criticism?

Is it possible to start something new — or for you writers, something familiar in a new way — without feeling vulnerable?

Keeping your writing to yourself keeps you in a safe zone, a cocoon where you might feel comfortable enough to move into your vulnerability. If you've spent a lot of time maximizing control and avoiding vulnerability — and what human hasn't? — you might be wondering, "Why would I want to feel vulnerable?"

Cosmic secret revealed: Because that's where your authenticity and creativity await.

Sigh of relief (I hope).

It's natural.

Everything young needs nurturance and protection.

The acorns that grow into great oaks start as tender shoots under the shade of the mother tree. Full sun is too strong for new growth. Yes, the same exposure so needed for the growth of a sapling is overwhelming when it first breaks ground.

And so it is with the heart-write sprout you are growing here. Heart-writing is a direct access to your inspiration, your creativity.

From creative sprout to creative spout

To be human is to be creative. Your creativity existed even before the you that you know existed. How do you think you got here?

Creativity is an innate and natural part of us, the spectrum in which we play. Yet many choose conformity over creativity from a rather young age. Even as children, when we are still so close to our creativity, we might have felt shy to express it, or to explore it through a new medium.

Creativity and performance

Creative self-expression at any age, in any form, takes courage.

Performers deserve applause just for getting on stage — and, understandably, even more applause if you enjoy the performance. But the act of creative self-expression exists before the performance.

Heart-writing is an effective — and I hope you are finding, enjoyable and exciting — way to align with the spout of your creative self-expression, and to separate it from performance.

You don't have to get on stage to write. You can write in the privacy and safety of your own home.

The safer you feel, the more likely you will dare to express yourself freely enough to discover the nuances of your Reiki experience, and give voice to your insights.

Heart-writing is a vehicle for you to connect with your creativity, and let it rip — I mean, write.

Keep it to yourself

So please don't share your heart-writing at this point.

Savor your privacy. Go deeply into yourself and your own experience so you can find your content. And know you are supported by a community of Reiki practitioners who are doing the same thing, each in their own way.

Many of you are here because you want to communicate better about Reiki. Before you can communicate, you need to heart-write to find ease in the writing process, and find your unique content, what I call your golden content, because like gold, it needs to be mined.

Feedback-free Zone

Truly, at this point, you don't need feedback on your heart-writing. You need to heart-write with ease and abandon.

Heart-writing is about content, not presentation. Unabashedly diving into the process is how you will go beyond the usual and discover your deeper heart.

Let's not let our enthusiasm and — ahem — spiritual ambition lead us to put the cart before the horse.

Let's not bring anything into our Writers' Haven that will take you out of yourself. Your very own self. The home of your authentic heart-voice and your unique experience.

Please share your experience and discoveries

Once you've finished your heart-write session, please visit that day's page here in our Writers Haven to share your experience and insights, and if needed, to ask me for help with your heart-writing process. There is a link in your daily email, or at the top of the sidebar to the right.

Reading what your co-participants share about their experience will enrich your own experience. You'll see that everyone's experience is different, and yet somehow the same. In that way, sharing will accelerate your growth.

And as you write to share your experience with your co-HeartWriters, you will flex your writing muscles in a new way. When you share, you move from heart-writing for content and pure self-expression toward writing to communicate.

How far into that transition can you bring the ease of heart-writing?

Dive in. Write on!

The biggest part of better boundaries is awareness. Training your mind to stay present (not hyper vigilant, present) helps you stay safe.

But how? One very effective way is to meditate. Two weeks of daily meditation before your daily heart-write will make a difference. Research supports that.

And so I encourage you to be meditative even if you choose to practice Reiki or light touch self care. You can observe your breath lightly (not focussing or concentrating, just being aware) or simply keep your awareness indrawn, noticing your inner experience without drawing conclusions or interpretations.

I look forward to you noticing the changes that come with consistent daily spiritual practice. Meanwhile, there is something you can do right now that has an immediate effect.

As in RIGHT now. No matter when NOW is.

Get back to your body

The fastest way to get present is to bring your awareness to your body. Your body has naturally strong, clear boundaries. You might not know your emotional boundaries (yet), but once you bring your awareness to your body, you know where your body is and where it is not.

The fastest way to bring your awareness to your body is to flex the large muscles in the lower body, the ones you sit on (your glutes), and the muscles at the front and back of your thighs (quads and hamstrings, respectively).

Let's do it

Develop the habit of bringing your awareness to those muscles, flexing, holding, and releasing them.

Let's start now. Meaning, let's actually do this, now. No need to change your clothes and it doesn't matter if you've just eaten.

Although you will get so you can flex those muscles while standing — which means you can literally practice this anywhere — let's start sitting in a chair, feet flat on the floor.

Begin with your glutes. Flexing them makes you taller in your seat. Flex, hold, release a few times. (Bonus tip! You can protect your lower back by engaging your glutes before bending forward.)

Now alternate pressing your right heel into the floor, and then your left. Notice how that engages your quads, the muscles on the top of your thighs.

And finally, alternate dragging each heel back toward your chair, but without actually moving your heel. The goal is to engage the hamstrings. It's not a problem if you engage other muscles in your legs, such as your calves, at the same time. You don't have to isolate the muscles, just flex them.

Checking in 

Now check-in with yourself. How do you feel? What's different now than how you felt before you started engaging your muscles? Please share the difference it makes in a comment below.

Your assignment, should you choose to accept: Get in the habit of checking in with your body throughout the day, flexing those muscle groups and getting present. Notice the difference your new grounding habit makes.