Another Helping, Please?

Good people help others. That value seems to go without saying.

Yet from a spiritual perspective, nothing goes without saying. Everything gets examined.

Spiritual responsibility requires us to open our awareness, question our assumptions, look beyond the surface. Relentlessly.

Consistent self-inquiry is needed especially in values we take for granted, and places we'd rather let be. Ourselves, for example.

Now that you've been heart-writing for a week, let's take another look at helping.

Why you do what you do

Wise ones in many spiritual traditions advise us that our motivations determine the outcome of our actions. If the wise ones are correct, examining our motivations is a critical skill for spiritual maturity. And spiritual maturity is necessary for healthy, compassionate boundaries.

It's said the road to hell is paved with good intentions. The road to hell is not paved with right motivation.

"I was just trying to help" is the most common defensive play outside the NFL. We've all used it to justify our clumsiness. But did it help? (There's that word again.)

What if checking your motivation became as much a part of your day as checking your teeth for food? How would that change your experience of boundaries?

Checking your motivation is not second-guessing yourself. Second-guessing yourself keeps you cycling on the same track. Checking your motivations takes you deeper into self awareness.

Are you a (recovering) helpaholic?

Are you game to take a look? If so, ask yourself the following questions:

• Do you easily feel sorry for people?
• Do you rush to help?
• Do you often say, "It's sad that..." or react with sadness?
• Are you so motivated to help that you don't wait to be asked?
• If someone declines your help, do you assume they don't understand what you're offering, and restate it?
• Are you a little too eager to help, too willing to step out of your life, and into someone else's?
• Is helping a borderline compulsion?
• Do you trespass other's boundaries in the name of helping?

Helping, or self-medication?

If any of those questions rang true — or upset you — please ask yourself, "Am I self-medicating with helping behavior?"

If you are self-medicating, can you possibly be helping? Aren't you imposing your needs on someone else's drama?

Can you really be in touch with someone else's needs when you're not willing to acknowledge your own?

Remember a time when you felt compelled to help. Maybe the last time.

How did you feel?

Was there urgency?

Can you sit with those feelings, hand on your heart if you like, breathe and simply feel your emotion? Maybe heart-write?