Abuse, or Abusive?

Abuse is the deal breaker. Place a clear boundary there. If someone is abusing you, that's wrong any way you look at it. Get help. Now.

Abusive is not so clear cut.

Do you get so riled up about how wrong the other person is that you find his/her behavior abusive? You know, the one you love to hate. The frenemy.

Or does someone know your buttons and (you let him/her) push them to manipulate you, confusing drama with love?

Their behavior may or may not be abusive, but yours is the only behavior you can control.

Do you want that person in your life? It's a simple equation: which is more painful, Person In or Person Out? If Person Out is more painful, change your behavior, meaning improve your boundaries (with love and respect), and see what happens.

Some people around you might be waiting for you to carry yourself with more respect. There's only one way to find out.

The willingness to be yourself

Your boundaries improve with self love and acceptance.

If you change your willingness to be yourself by applying yourself to daily spiritual practice — daily, as in every day — you will melt the guilt that binds you, and your behavior will change.

I know the every day part is challenging, and often more so for those who have the most to gain from it, but every day to the boundary-challenged is like water to someone thirsty in a desert: irreplaceable.

We're talking about transformation here, not having an occasional good day. Steady practice is the price of the ticket to freedom from self-loathing. Freedom to be yourself. Freely. With love and respect.

As you experience yourself differently, you will carry yourself differently, and start making different choices. At least some of the time. You'll be motivated to protect the good relationship you're creating with yourself and your life.

Changing your behavior changes everything

If you truly change your behavior, you will not change in a vacuum. The people who have been waiting for you to be yourself will give you a standing ovation.

Some of the people who can no longer manipulate you will grow with you. They didn't particularly want to interact that way; they (like you) were unaware, and you were complicit, you allowed it.

(Perhaps pause to contemplate the difference between taking responsibility and self-blame.)

Others will notice your growth and keep their distance, or exit stage right.

Bullies have a nose for a susceptible mark. They never pick on someone their own size.